West Wing Quotes
So Jake put up a list of his favorite West Wing quotes earlier today. I was pretty bored, so I decided to go digging and find some West Wing quotes I liked. The difference is, a lot of Jake's quotes are policy based, which of course I don't agree with. The ones I picked are mostly just funny.
Josh Lyman: All I'm saying is, if you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop to get a beer.
Donna Moss: If you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for red lights.
Bartlet: We should organize a staff field trip to Shenandoah! I could even act as a guide! What do you think?
Josh: Good a place as any to dump your body.
Bartlet: What was that?
Josh: Did I say that out loud?
Sam: About a week ago I accidentally slept with a prostitute.
Toby: You accidentally slept with a prostitute.
Sam: Call girl.
Toby: I don't understand, did you trip over something?
Josh Lyman: Victory is mine, victory is mine. Great day in the morning, victory is mine
Donna Moss: Good morning, Josh.
Josh Lyman: I drink from the keg of glory, Donna. Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land
Donna Moss: It's going to be an unbearable day.
Bruno Gianelli: These are some fliers that are being mailed to potential voters at the Iowa Caucus: "Bartlet-Super Liberal." "Bartlet-Hopelessly Liberal." "Bartlet-Liberal, Liberal, Liberal."
Sam Seaborn: Those aren't coming from our side, are they?
President Josiah Bartlet: We agree on nothing, Max.
Senator Lobell: Yes, sir.
President Josiah Bartlet: Education, guns, drugs, school prayer, gays, defense spending, taxes - you name it, we disagree.
Senator Lobell: You know why?
President Josiah Bartlet: Because I'm a lily-livered, bleeding-heart, liberal, egghead communist.
Senator Lobell: Yes, sir. And I'm a gun-toting, redneck son-of-a-bitch.
President Josiah Bartlet: Yes, you are.
Senator Lobell: We agree about that.
[the President neglected a formality transferring executive power before going into surgery]
Margaret: Can I just say something for the future? *I* can sign the president's name. I've got his signature down pretty good.
Leo McGarry: You can sign the president's name?
Leo McGarry: On a document removing him from power and giving it to someone else?
Margaret: Yeah. Or do you think the White House Counsel would say that's a bad idea?
Leo McGarry: I think the White House Counsel would say that's a Coup D'Etat.
Margaret: I'd probably end up doing some time for that.
Leo McGarry: [on the phone with the New York Times] 17 across. Yes, 17 across is wrong... You're spelling his name wrong... What's my name? My name doesn't matter. I am just an ordinary citizen who relies on the Times crossword for stimulation. And I'm telling you that I met the man twice. And I recommended a pre-emptive missile strike against his air force, so I think I know how...
C.J. Cregg: Leo.
Leo McGarry: They hang up on me every time.
Josh Lyman: Toby, come quick. Sam's getting his ass kicked by a girl.
Toby Ziegler: Ginger, get the popcorn
C.J. Cregg: Oh, boy, I like it when "In Style" magazine is issued press credentials. "Mirabella" wanted to know what wine is served with the fish course. So it's a good thing I went to school for 22 years.
Josh Lyman: What wine are we...
C.J. Cregg: It's wine, you'll drink it.
Lord John Marbury: When we had a problem with someone, one solution that we would try is to make him a Maharajah; it's a kind of a regional king, and we would pay him off with an annual tribute and in return he would be loyal to the crown.
Leo McGarry: Lord Marbury, under our constitution the president is not empowered to create Maharajahs.
Lord John Marbury: Yes, thank you for clearing that up, Leo, having been educated at Cambridge and the Sorbonne, I am, as you know, exceedingly stupid.
Leo McGarry: We spent millions of dollars developing a pen that could write in space. Do you know what the Russians did?
Josh Lyman: Used a pencil?
Leo McGarry: Used a pencil.
Toby Ziegler: [holding his twin babies] I didn't realize babies come with hats. You guys crack me up. You don't have jobs. You can't walk or speak the language. You don't have a dollar in your pockets but you got yourselves a hat so everything's fine. I don't want to alarm you or anything, but I'm Dad. And for you, son - for you - this will be the last time I pass the buck, but I think it should be clear from the get-go that it was Mom who named you Huckleberry.
[the Senior Staff are playing a pick-up basketball game with the President]
Josh Lyman: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Who is this?
President Josiah Bartlet: I'm making a substitution.
Toby Ziegler: Who is this guy?
President Josiah Bartlet: Mr. Grant is a Federal employee.
[Mr. Grant is played by real life NBA Forward Juwan Howard]
Toby Ziegler: You know the thing about you, Mr. President? It isn't so much that you cheat. It's how brazenly bad you are at it.
President Josiah Bartlet: I beg your pardon?
Josh Lyman: Toby's got a point there, sir.
President Josiah Bartlet: When have I ever cheated?
Toby Ziegler: Up in Florida, playing mixed doubles with me and C.J. You tried to tell us that your partner worked at the American Consulate in Vienna.
President Josiah Bartlet: And she did.
Toby Ziegler: It was Steffi Graf, sir.
President Josiah Bartlet: Well, I will admit that the woman bore a striking resemblance...
Toby Ziegler: It was Steffi Graf, you lunatic. You think I'm not going to recognize Steffi Graf when she serves a tennis ball at me?
[Sam is addressing a group of students about terrorism]
Sam Seaborn: We jumped out from behind bushes while the British came down the road in their bright red jackets, but never has a war been so courteously declared. It was on parchment with calligraphy, and "Your Highness, we beseech you on this day in Philadelphia to bite me, if you please."
C.J. Cregg: I want you to get with one of your friends in the press room from a conservative paper.
Ainsley Hayes: You really think we have a secret handshake, don't you?
C.J. Cregg: Do you?
Ainsley Hayes: Yes
President Josiah Bartlet: [trying to wake up his wife] Abbie... Abigail... Abbie, the kids are eating sugar.
Abbie Bartlet: Uh...
Abbie Bartlet: Oh!
President Josiah Bartlet: How you doin. You know I gave the kids candy all the time, right?
Abbie Bartlet: Behind my back?
President Josiah Bartlet: Yes.
Abbie Bartlet: You bought their love.
President Josiah Bartlet: Well, it was for sale, and I wanted it.
And my two favorites funny West Wing quotes:
Bartlet: I don't know, my wife hands me pills. I swallow them with water.
Bartlet: Vitamin C, Vitamin D. Is it possible I'm taking something called euthanasia?
Bartlet: Ah, that sounds more like it.
President Josiah Bartlet: I was watching a television program before, with a kind of roving moderator who spoke to a seated panel of young women who were having some sort of problem with their boyfriends - apparently, because the boyfriends had all slept with the girlfriends' mothers. And they brought the boyfriends out, and they fought, right there on television. Toby, tell me: these people don't vote, do they?
Oh, and I found the quotes here.